Let's Be Honest, I Don't Deserve It

Old Journal Entry:

One of the most important things that I have learned in the first year of full time evangelism is that in the church are the biggest gossipers, liars, traitors, haughty, mean, dare I go on, people. I have learned people's “true” colors. I have learned who I can trust and who I cannot. I have heard horrible things about most other ministers and their families… I am sure that some of it is true, while other things are not. With all of this being said, in all of my shortcomings and wrong doings, God has extended mercy and grace to me when I didn’t deserve it. He has forgiven me when I didn’t deserve it. He has allowed our family to do things that weren’t possible in man's eyes, but HE did it! It is hard to trust people when you know things about them that you wish you didn’t, and it is hard to listen to someone minister when I know what they have said or done personally to me. As a Christian it is my desire to be more like him. I will make the choice to forgive and give mercy when I do not feel others deserve it, because let's be honest, I don’t deserve it. Are there some people I still wouldn’t tell something personal to? Yep… but with all I have been through and all I have done, God still uses me, He will still use others for his purpose. I am reminded of the scripture that says, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” Today, I strive to be a little more like Him.

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I wrote this journal entry a couple of months ago, and I know that the above words could come across harsh or may feel heavy. It is easy to look at others' faults, and to pretend that ours do not exist. It is easy to pretend that we haven’t ever done anything wrong OR as hurtful as those who have hurt us. The church is not full of awful people, but it is full of flawed people. It is easy to hold other ministers, or Christians for that matter, to a standard where mistakes should not happen, but fail to admit that we ourselves have made mistakes.

I could not share this entry and not mention the ever growing trend of “church hurt”. I never want to hear the phrase again, and not because I do not think that it exists. Have I been hurt by people in the church? Yes. Did everyone in the church hurt me? No. Did God betray me? No. The fact is, Jesus is for every single person. Jesus is for people from all walks in life. Jesus is for the flawed. We focus on “people in the church” that hurt us, but let me ask you a question. Has someone ever hurt you that was not a part of the church? I have been hurt by those in and out of the church. Why is it easier to forgive those that are not in the church? We expect the people of the “church” to be like Christ; we expect them to be perfect. I am not trying to make excuses, but the fact is, as we are striving to be like Christ, we will never make it there. Just because the people who hurt you did not reflect Christ well, does not mean that you cannot. You can reflect Christ by choosing to forgive those that hurt you. Not because they deserve it, but because none of us do.

Let's focus on ourselves and not the ones that hurt us, forgive those around us, and forgive ourselves. Let's choose together to reflect Christ a little more today, even if those around us do not. The fact is that you don’t have the choice to change other people, but you have the choice, with the help of God, to change your own heart.

Don’t let the way that others have hurt you turn into bitterness. I have been there. Bitterness will eat you alive. It will cause you, in your flesh, to be like the person you allowed to cause you to get bitter. It will affect every aspect of your life. It will cause you to make unwise decisions. It will affect you as a whole.

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Hebrews 12:15

If you let someone else shift your focus or calling by allowing bitterness to take root - it is not their fault - you are the one that shifted your focus from God to that other person, yourself, or fill in the blank. The other person will not be held responsible, you will. There is peace in the presence of God. There is peace whenever you hand over your hurts and problems to the Prince of Peace. It is hard, but don’t lose your relationship with God because of someone who misrepresented Him.

29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:29-32

Set it all aside today and forgive. Not because they deserve it, but because Christ extended mercy to us. I know that I don’t deserve it. While I have experienced many hurts in the “church”, I have gained my best memories, my greatest victories, a family in Christ, met some of the most wonderful people, and so much more. I’m flawed, and I don’t deserve it, yet He still chooses and uses me over and over. Next time you encounter hurt, I encourage you to make the choice to be a little more like Him.

Side note - I said something in this journal entry that stuck out to me. I said “It is hard to trust people…” This is the thing God didn’t instruct us in His word to trust people, He instructed us to trust Him!